I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
The ass gains better be worth it
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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