I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
