I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
