You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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