I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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