Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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