I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
