at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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