Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
