It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
