Can Purell be used as lube?
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
