you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
