Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
