i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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