This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
