sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
This is not my ceiling
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
