i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
