i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
