I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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