It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I believe in your delicious
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
