At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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