can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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