Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
