I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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