He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
