well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
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