I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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