my mouth tastes like poor choices
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
