glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
