dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
