I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
