you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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