I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
