i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
