I can feel you judging me through the phone.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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