oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
