her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
