I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
