I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
