Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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