I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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