you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
