We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
