I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
