and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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