I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
