Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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