Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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