whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
