cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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